Telling my doctor

This was scary. Much scarier even than telling my mother and sister. I was expecting a grilling, but I don’t think I was quite prepared for it. I was afraid that I would be called crazy, and on some subtle level I’m not sure I wasn’t, because at the end of it I was told that I would be referred first to a psychiatrist.

I told her about my dreams. I’ve had them since I was in secondary school. I will sometimes dream that I am a girl, and that would feel completely normal to me, so much so that I don’t want to wake up, but I always do. I told her about my wearing women’s clothing, and underwear on an experimental basis. She asked me how does it make me feel when I’m wearing these, and the first word that popped out of my mouth was “normal”. I said it without thinking.

I told her about how I’ve always tried to fit in, to be like the other guys, but never feeling like I was one of them, It’s always seemed to me that I think differently from them, that I have been missing something that makes them male, and me not male enough, or not male at all.

She asked me about my sex life. I told her about my asexuality, that I like girls, but don’t feel sexually attracted to them. I did have a girlfriend once, when I was 22. The relationship lasted for about 4 years, but never went beyond petting and cuddling. I also told her about a time shortly after breaking up that I was picked up by a bisexual woman, taken back to her home, and I couldn’t go through with having sex with her. I couldn’t get an erection. Since then nothing, all my equipment is working. I get erections in the mornings sometimes, and sometimes at other times too, and I am more than capable of getting myself off and ejaculating, so there is nothing physically wrong with me.

So I am left with a waiting game now. She is going to refer me to a psychiatrist and I have to wait for her to tell me who, where, and when. I hope it does not take her long to get back to me.

 

 

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