May – End of Month Summary

1 month nearly since I started writing this blog. It has been an interesting one. I came out to myself, my close family, and close friends. I’m still waiting for the psychiatric referral from my GP. I have registered with a housing association to try to get a single bed accommodation for myself. I’ve left university and signed up on the unemployment register. And my emotions have been through the blender more than once.

By far the biggest thing for me this month was the coming out. I was afraid of what people would say, how they would react, but I’ve been treated with nothing but love and compassion by everyone who I’ve told, and this has made me very happy. I’ll be coming out to more people soon. The last event of the Live music society in the university that I’ll be going to this Saturday. I’ll be performing the song I wrote ‘The girl inside’ and am expecting there to be questions asked, which I will answer truthfully.

I have read 4 books on the subject of Transgender, plus two novels by Terry Pratchett. The best book I read was ‘Transgender Complete: A Virtual handbook’ by Joanne Borden which I purchased from Amazon Kindle store for £5.47. It’s very informative, and well written, delving into the science and emotional aspects of being Transgender. And I expect I’ll keep coming back to it time and time again.

I’m looking forward to getting back into work. It might take me a while, but I am very well qualified for the roles I am seeking, the only drawback is I’m not good at selling myself. My resume is in the process of being professionally written, and I’ll be having a cover letter template included with that too. So that should help me get interviews. Then I’ll have to try my best to impress at the interview stages, show the employers that I can do the job, and do it well, and enthusiastically. I’ll request some interview training with the unemployment agency to help me with these things.

I’ve experimented with expressing myself. In private only. I have a couple of girly clothes now that I bought myself. Have worn a couple of them to bed. Came close once to wearing in public on a night out in the city, but I chickened out. I have had my eyebrows waxed and shaped though, given them an arch that lets my feminine side show through a bit. I have my next session lined up for Thursday. I’ll be asking to refine the shape a bit more, and make my brows slightly thinner again. I’ve also worn makeup in public, foundation, and concealer only, and brow volumizer so far. Until I get out of this village I do not think it is safe for me, or my family for me to do much more than this. My best friend said she couldn’t tell that I was wearing make-up when she saw me last, so that was good. It must mean I’m doing something right.

I don’t know what my next step is going to be. Hopefully I don’t have much longer to wait before seeing the psychiatrist. But even after then I know that on the NHS public health service I will be waiting months before seeing a Gender Therapist, providing the psychiatrist doesn’t decide I’m lying about the whole thing and diagnoses me with something else entirely. I am feeling apprehensive about that meeting, and the longer it takes for it to happen the worse my anxiety gets. But what keeps me going is the hope that it’ll all work out, that, and my music and playing video games help keep my mind occupied and distracted from these issues.

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