Dealing with suicidal thoughts

In the US the stated figure for Transgender people who have attempted suicide is 41%[1]. In the UK the number is 48% and 59% having considered it[2]. These numbers are frightening, and I am one of those who have considered suicide, and more than once.

The first and second times I remember thinking about it I was in Secondary(high) school. I was bullied a lot in school, and my home life wasn’t much better at the time, my family was poor, my father was a drunk and a heavy smoker, and the majority of the money that was coming into the house was going into feeding his habit. I smelled because I couldn’t bathe properly and my clothes were often unclean. My mother tried her hardest to keep the worst at bay, but it was very hard.

At one point I took a ball of wool from my mothers knitting supplies and just started wrapping the thread around my neck, I kept going until it became uncomfortable and I was struggling to breathe, but as soon as I got to that point I unwrapped the thread from my throat as quickly as I could. I got away with barely a red mark to show for it. I haven’t told anyone that at all until now.

I’ve thought about suicide even when things seemed to be going well in my life. about 7 years ago during the best job I have had, best pay, best hours, best colleagues, I even had promotion prospects. I do not know why, but I was thinking those dark thoughts then. I was experimenting with wearing women’s clothing at the time, feeling confused about it, wondering why I was interested in this, thinking I may be some kind of sexual deviant or something, so that may have been the cause or at least a contributing factor, but honestly I do not know. I didn’t make any attempts that time, and good job too because the methods open to me then would have been far more efficient.

Since then I have had some scary dreams on the subject. But thankfully my waking thoughts are clear of these issues. I bring it up now in the hope that talking about my own experiences will help others who may be going through the same kind of issues. I urge anyone who is feeling this way to speak to someone about it. If you are in the UK the number for the Samaritans is included below. Please don’t give up, whatever your circumstances may be.

Samaritans UK hotline: 116 123
available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

[1] http://www.vocativ.com/culture/lgbt/transgender-suicide/
[2] http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/nov/19/young-transgender-suicide-attempts-survey

 

3 thoughts on “Dealing with suicidal thoughts

  1. Hello!

    I can relate to the smoking issues at home. My parents smoked and it made life really hard for me growing up. My fondest moment was when a kid at school grabbed my winter jacket and smelled it and loudly screamed YOU SMELL LIKE A STOVE!

    The day my brother got sick and the doctor told our family that all smoking must be ceased immediately, was like opening a door in a new life. It was a life changer and I could finally escape the torture of smoke.

    I think we all go through suicidal thoughts. Life is hard, it sucks, and there are so many things we cannot change. What is important is that we realize we are who we are and fully embrace it. Happiness is what we make of it (obviously, there are certain situations where this makes it hard and all but impossible, I am talking about things generally here). We look inside and create it and then spread it outwards. Life is what we make of it, so why not do our best to be as happy as possible?

    I am really proud of your and what you’ve written on this blog. You have a lot of support and one day, you will get to where you want to be. And we’ll be there standing with you.

    PS: Typical dayrinni style: did not proof read ahead of time, so please enjoy any typos you ‘mean’ see!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love you so much. I had to wipe away some tears from my eyes after reading this. I cannot thank you enough for being my friend and for these kind words. It really does mean so much to me that you care this much. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome! I am proud to be your friend and as with all of my friends, I love them! I am also proud to support you on your life’s journey to become who you are.

        Thank you for including me in this!

        Liked by 1 person

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