“You’re not going out like that are you?”

This is what my mother asked me this morning before leaving the house to go out today.

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My answer is yes. Yes I am. I’m starting to get more and more comfortable in my own skin and I think I need to do this for myself. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, but I’m going to go out and be confident, and act as natural as if I was wearing boys clothes. I’ll try to ignore any looks I get and negative comments if I get any, and just try to enjoy my day,  despite the awful weather.

Ok. The weather wasn’t too bad. It stayed dry at least while I was outside. It’s raining now, but luckily I am already back home. Good thing too because I forgot to take my umbrella with me.

I had a pretty good day for the most part. I needed to use the restroom when I got into town, and for the first time in my adult life I used the ladies. I kept my head low, chose a stall, did what I needed, washed my hands and got out again with no incident. None of the other ladies said anything, so it was a good experience. I think if I had tried going into the Men’s room dressed like this it would have been a different story.

I bought myself a new pair of shoes. Until today I had just one pair of Trainers, and those were for men. I needed to complete my look, and now I have double the amount of pairs of shoes than I had at the start of the day. Stop me girls before I become one of THEM type of girls, who hoards shoes and has them overtaking the whole wardrobe.

Next up I had my eyebrows waxed. I get them done every six weeks now to keep their shape a nice arch and keep them neat and tidy. I’m kinda afraid to pluck the stray hairs out myself in case they turn out horribly wrong. I told the girl doing my eyebrows I am Transgender. She said she wasn’t sure if I was Transgender, or gender fluid, and we talked a bit about it, she agreed to start using she/her pronouns with me from now on when I go to visit her, which made me feel really good.

I also used my new name for the first time today, when I was approached by a fundraising volunteer he asked me what my name was and I told him it was Rhiannon, and it felt so right. Rhiannon Autumn. I kindly told him I couldn’t afford to donate anything because I am currently unemployed, he thanked me for my time and used my name to wish me a good day.

At this point I was ready to come back home so I gave my mum a ring to let her know I was on my way. This is when things got worse for me because my mother told me that my little brother was upset because I went out in a skirt and was afraid that he would be picked on by the other children in the area and when he goes back to school. He’s 10 years old and I understand that worry. I was picked on at school at his age and beyond and I wouldn’t like him to experience what I did.

I wanted to wait until I moved out before I started dressing as myself properly in public, but I couldn’t keep lying to myself, which is what I felt like I was doing every time I wore male clothes since coming out. That’s not to say I won’t wear male clothes out again, but I just needed to express myself in this way sooner than I thought I would need to. I don’t know when I’ll be able to have a flat of my own, I’m on a waiting list, but am not a high priority, so it could be quite some time, many months, and I just couldn’t wait that long.

I love my family and I will never stop loving my family. I want them to understand I am just being me. And I hope that we can all get through this with minimal hassle.

Love, hugs and kisses,
-Autumn

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