Heightened Dysphoria Day

There’s no beating around the bush with this one, all day I’ve felt like shit. This started at about 3a.m. where I hadn’t got any sleep yet since the previous night. I felt my legs and they were disgusting. My chin and upper lip had much too much facial hair too, and I spent the better part of an hour just shaving, first my face, then my legs.

I did feel better after my legs were nice and smooth again, and my face was clean-shaven again, but the lack of breasts also made me feel extremely unhappy with myself, I did manage to get a little sleep, I don’t know what time it was I got to sleep but when I woke again it was 9 am and I was feeling really awful again. I spent practically the entire morning in bed just watching T.V. shows on my laptop.

A friend came round in the early afternoon and let us know word is now gotten out about me. Someone who saw me dressed in one of my skirts was laughing and joking about it to everyone in the estate apparently. So It’s out, it’s public, and I am fearful for my safety. I have had problems in this neighbourhood before because some people thought I was Gay. I’ll try to ignore the idiots around here and hope I get a place of my own soon. I’m more concerned for my little brother though. I have tried to prepare him a little of what to expect and told him I want him to act calmly and indifferently even if someone uses words that I will not write here in this blog, but I said them once to him so that they won’t be as big a shock to him when he hears them from other people, and that he’ll know what they mean. I know this won’t be enough to stop the comments from causing hurt, but I hope they help.

I feel awful. I hate my body right now, hate this town, and almost everyone in it, not too fond of the entire country if I’m honest. But I’m stuck. No money, No Job, and still just waiting for things. Waiting for the psychiatrist appointment, waiting in the queue to be rehoused, waiting for hormones, dying to be who I was meant to be, and crying when I know no-one is around to see my breakdowns. FUCK!

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