Counting the days

12 days now until my initial psychiatric evaluation. I’ve noticed that my sleep is more disrupted these past few nights, I don’t know if this is due to the heat wave we’re currently having or the anxiety that is building up ahead of this appointment, my guess is a mix of both.

The outcomes I am hoping for from this appointment:

  • Getting the diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria officially on my medical record
  • Getting a referral to a GIC to see a specialist Gender Therapist as soon as possible
  • Hormones (or at the very least anti-androgens), even if only a low dose to start.
  • Referral to a speech therapist for help with training my voice to be more feminine
  • Referral to a hair removal clinic with the goal of permanently removing my facial hair

If I get all of these I would be very happy. But if all I get from the initial appointment is the diagnosis I will still be able to walk away hopeful, as that would be a step in the right direction. My biggest fear is that I won’t even get the diagnosis though, and without that I will not be able to get treatment on the National Health Service.

I am absolutely certain of myself. I know without any doubt that I am not Male. I’ve known it subconsciously for a long time, but now that I know it consciously I cannot put that genie back in the bottle. I’d never be able to forgive myself if I hid away from this. I’ll be taking my mum with me for moral support. If I had to go alone I don’t know how I would be able to cope, so I am grateful for her support. I am also grateful for all the support I have received from my friends, and people I work with on the volunteering front. Also I have had very few negative reactions to how I have been dressing lately, so those are quite easy to ignore thankfully.

I have been making some progress on my own with the speech practice. I know I still have a long way to go, but it’s very promising the progress I have already made. Of course I still want the professional help to focus my training more, and pick me up where I might be going wrong. It’s like learning an instrument, if mistakes become habits they will take a long time to iron out, so I hope not to fall into bad habits, and if I already have, I want them smoothed over as soon as possible.

With hair removal, I’m not having much luck at all. The self wax on my legs didn’t go so well. It didn’t go badly either it just didn’t get enough hairs off, it barely made an impact, so I’ll have to see it done by a professional in a salon, when I have some money for that. And I have been unable to shave my face properly for a few days because of something called folliculitis. Which is a benign infection in the hair follicles which causes increased sensitivity and little bumps to appear on the skin. Not harmful or contagious, but very annoying. My beard has started to grow back, and I have to resist the temptation to just shave it off anyway, and that is taking a lot of willpower. I have started plucking my beard hairs with tweezers though, not that it’s making any noticeable difference. I can only manage a small amount before I have to give up because of the pain factor. If only I could wax it all away, without fearing taking my skin with it, but that is not possible with the beard because of how close together the hairs are. Again, very annoying.

4 thoughts on “Counting the days

    1. Thank you Katie. It has already been an interesting journey for me personally, and I have only just begun. Little by little I’m peeling away all the things that I am not, but have pretended to be, to find out who I really am. It’s exciting.

      Liked by 1 person

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