This was me a year ago, no thanks to Facebook for reminding me:
This is a difficult post for me to write, and not made any easier due to having been awake for 19 hours and unable to get any sleep, and not because of a lack of trying either. I’m not unhappy with the way I look here. Or at least I wasn’t then. I liked the beard because it made me look closer to my actual age, and because it made me look more like the man I was trying to be. I felt like I was fitting in well with my friends in university and I was feeling positive about starting fresh on the second year (repeated) of my degree scheme, feeling like I could do this. I felt like I could take on the world, and I was just starting to get competent at playing the guitar around that time too.
Even then something wasn’t quite right. I was happy, and not happy at the same time, but I didn’t know why I wasn’t happy. I knew I should have been happy, because even though I had just failed a year, things were otherwise going well. I was secretly wearing girlish things under my regular clothes at the time, but that wasn’t new, that had been going on, on and off, since puberty, I thought it was a fetish and I was afraid of what people would think about me if they knew but I know now it was more than that, ironically my biggest fear then was that people would think that I was less than a man, and now I don’t want people to think of me as a man at all.
I remember at the time it was the first time for a long while I tried to look after my body better. I was getting private dental treatment to fix my teeth, work that still isn’t finished yet, but I will continue with that as soon as I am able to afford to again. I quit drinking fizzy drinks, at least while out of the house for a while, and I tried to cut down on snack foods, and also stick to a more regular sleeping pattern. It wasn’t long though before I was back on the fizzy drinks, playing video games all through the night and snacking on junk all through the days. The only thing I stuck to was looking after my teeth better.
This is me now, after 4 months into transition, and not started hormone treatment yet:
Now I am genuinely happy. I am taking antidepressants, which might have something to do with it, but I think the biggest factor is definitely my transition. I no longer see myself as weird, or perverted, and my wearing of girls clothes is just normal now because I am a girl, and always have been, I just didn’t realise it before. My family loves me for who I am. My friends also love me for who I am, and I am doing part-time voluntary work in an environment which is also completely supportive, and I am just me. I wish I realised this while I was still doing my degree, or even before that, but it cannot be helped now. I just have to move forward and explore all the options available to me to get to where I want to be and I am doing that. Where before I felt like I was failing, now I feel like I am raising myself up and writing a new story on a clean slate. Whether I succeed in my goals or not is irrelevant. the only failure is if I stop trying.
So my message to those reading this is, if you feel like something is wrong, you need to ask yourself the deep questions, and maybe, what you think is wrong, is really very right and you haven’t realised it yet. What I think is wrong is our current societal trend for girls to be ‘girlish’ and boys to be ‘boyish’, a lot of people will try to fit you into the gender stereotype they see you as, and that needs to change. Things are changing slowly but I believe there needs to be a lot more Trans awareness, especially in schools, and it should start at primary school age. kids need to be told that it’s ok for boys to cry, and it’s ok for girls to be tough. And it’s ok if you don’t feel like either a boy or a girl. There is nothing wrong with you. 1’s and 0’s are for computers. For us humans, we have all the fractions in between, and we can handle it, if we just allow ourselves to do so.