Last refuges of Dysphoria

I am a much more confident woman than I was 6 months ago. There is a saying “Fake it til you make it” which I have been going by while I go through my transition. Acting confident even when I feel like running for the hills and hiding out in a cabin for the rest of my life. Lately though things have been a lot better.

I look in the mirror and I no longer see a man’s face. I see me. I’m not going to be auditioning for any modeling competitions but I think I look alright. My voice is passable, It’s not where I want it to be yet, but it is suitably androgynous at the moment. There are still some areas that trigger dysphoria for me though.

No.1 : Every time I go to the toilet I am painfully aware of my genitalia, and know I have the wrong set. I have had no problems with entering a women’s bathroom though. I even had one woman say to me once that she saw a man coming into the bathroom and she wasn’t referring to me, at first I thought she was, for half a second, but I then realised by the way she was looking behind into the toilets area that she was obviously referring to someone else.

No.2: Facial hair. I hate shaving my face every morning. I cut myself almost every other shave. It is very annoying, and when I do go even one day without shaving I can see and feel the difference and I really don’t like it. Even on the days I do shave I can see the shadow of hairs that haven’t poked out of the skin yet. I cover it up sometimes with concealers but it’s a pain. And I wish I didn’t have to do this.

No.3: Breasts (or lack of). I wear padded bras most days, but this is another thing that I wish I didn’t need. The reason this isn’t higher on my priority list though is that I am already feminine even without them.

I am grateful for all the support I have received thus far. Support from my friends, and family. from the people I work with, and the people I am working to help also. I am receiving help from a wonderful organisation here in wales called the unity group and I cannot thank enough all those people who call me miss, ma’am, young lady, and everything else that reinforces my femininity, like complimenting my clothes, shoes, nails, hair and anything else. Thank you all.

 

Love, hugs and kisses,

Rhiannon

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