Being a girl is hard

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I thought the hardest part would be dealing with Transphobic BS. This is actually the easiest bit, I simply ignore those who cannot, or will not accept me, and enjoy the time I spend with loving friends and family. Thankfully I have had very few negative reactions anyway, so that has made things a lot easier on that front.

The hard parts of being a girl though that I have found:

Makeup: I didn’t know how hard makeup would be. It’s quite a learning process, a fun one though. you do not want to see what I looked like the first time I tried to put on eyeshadow. It was horrendous. I got the hang of lipstick quite quickly though, and I love it. I like the way it feels on my lips, I like the look of myself in the mirror when I am wearing it, I feel like a real girl when I’m dolled up. Foundation was another easy one to get to grips with, YouTube tutorials helped me out a lot and I found a technique that works great for me, and I was able to find the right shade and type of foundation for my skin type with the help of shop assistants, so things are good there.

Hair removal: I hate it, I love how my legs and arms feel after a shave, how smooth, and I find myself touching myself a lot afterwards because of how much I love the way my skin feels. but it grows back too quickly, and I cannot afford waxing treatments for these areas of my body, it is so annoying. My facial hair is another matter again, I can never get the shave close enough, and because my hairs are dark and my skin is light, it’s very hard to hide the shadow even after the closest shaves. I’ve tried colour correcting, but not had any success so far. Concealers help quite a bit more than that so that’s what I have been using for the most part.

Clothing: Clothing designed for women is expensive in most places. I have resorted to charity shops so that almost my entire wardrobe is second-hand. I have some nice clothes, but I see something I like in some shops, and then I see the price tag, and I die a little inside each time. Some Mens clothes are expensive too, but it’s nowhere near as bad as what women put up with. And then there is underwear. I don’t tuck. not that I find it uncomfortable. I just feel it is unnecessary. I wear skirts always now, and the underwear I wear keeps my parts close to my body so unless somebody knows already what I have down there they cannot tell. Bras are a different story, it’s hard to get them to fit comfortably AND at the same time give a realistic look. I’ve recently been told I’m wearing them too high, and after asking around this does appear to be the case, and I never realised it. I’m going to start wearing them a bit lower, and hope that I don’t get discomfort from wearing them too low.

Conclusion: I still have a lot to learn. But I am confident that I will get through this process, just got to take things slowly, and be patient, and probably spend more time practicing my makeup skills.

Love, hugs and kisses,
-Autumn

 

 

How I feel about the EU referendum three months later

I feel that the vote to Leave was a racist vote. I will never be able to forgive those who voted this way, for the damage they have done to this country, the damage that is yet to be inflicted, and the selfish nature of the vote itself.

If you voted leave you voiced an opinion of:

“To hell with the rest of the world. I will shut you all out, you can fend for yourselves and I will do the same. I do not care about your struggles. I do not care if you starve to death. You do not deserve my support. My life is worth more than your life”

Even if leaving the EU makes Britain stronger, if it weakens the rest of the world, it is still the wrong decision. Borders are outdated. The sooner we stop thinking of someone as Russian, Turkish, American, British, African, Asian, Black, White, Gay, Straight, Cis, Trans, Male, Female the better we all will be.

PEOPLE are PEOPLE. and every one of us has an equal right to live and breathe who are brought into this world. Technological advances are very close to a stage where everyone should be able to live comfortably, never going hungry, or thirsty, with room for a couple of small luxuries. But those with power and money do not want to share their money and power. They would rather see those worse off than them continue to suffer than to help create a more equal society.

UK pulling out of the EU is a step backwards for the whole world. I am sorry to see this happening in my lifetime, and angry that people I care about voted for this to happen, and are either blind to the consequences of their vote, or simply uncaring. I don’t know which is worse. The dystopian future is becoming a dystopian present and I am extremely afraid of things to come.

Legal name change and initial psychiatric review

I had my psychiatric review today and I am pleased to say it went much better than I feared it would. I arrived at the clinic early, too early, 20 minutes before the scheduled appointment time. Sitting in the waiting room was the hardest thing I had to do this morning. Every second that passed I could feel my anxiety grow more and more. There was also a high-pitched tone ringing out from somewhere which was bothering me greatly. It helped that my mother was there with me, just knowing she was there was a comfort.

It was a slight relief to be called into the doctor’s office, I decided to go in alone. As I entered he politely asked me what name I like to be called, I told him my chosen name, and that was a good start. In the room there was me, facing the doctor, his desk was positioned so that his back was to the door. And sitting behind him was a young lady who I think was his secretary, taking notes as we spoke.

During our talk I told him about how I have never felt male. Even though I have tried to fit in with the other boys and men, I never felt like one of them. I have been living as female now for 4 months, and that I am full-time female now. I started off slow, taking little steps here and there. I could not tell exactly when living part-time female became living full time female.

We talked about my past relationship, there has only been one serious relationship in my life, and how things weren’t going very well. I take all the blame really for that. I did a lot of things that upset my partner of the time, and though I wasn’t intentionally being mean, and I did love her, I was still an ass, and she deserved better. I have created a new profile on a dating site now, trying to move forward. I am not looking for anything serious right now. It would be nice to have someone to share my journey with though.

What’s happening next is that I will get my name changed through Deed Poll, so that on all my official documents I can begin using my new name legally. I’m not eligible for a Gender Recognition Certificate yet though, for that I need to be living as female for at least 2 years. I should be getting a referral to a Gender Identity Clinic. Either Fulham or Charing Cross most likely. The details of our conversation will be passed onto my GP also. The Psychiatrist needed to make sure there wasn’t any mental health issues that was causing me to make sporadic decisions about my Gender Identity and he is confident this is not the case and that I won’t need to see him again, and can just move forward, however long that may take.

All I can do now is wait. Again. More waiting, but at least I know things are moving forward.

Bring out the Joy

Today has been a fantastic day. I love starting my posts with sentences like that. I wish they all could start this way. The day started out pretty ordinary, hit snooze button half a dozen times before telling myself

“yes it really is time to get out of bed now Autumn.”

I shaved my face for the first time in 5 days and that felt really good, and I was able to look at myself in the mirror for longer than 5 seconds following the shave, which is good, because applying makeup without looking in the mirror is probably quite hard.

I spent the day mostly volunteering at the tech centre and local library. I was put on a little training module that aims to make me a better volunteer. I aced that getting 135 out of 150 on the quiz at the end, for a 90% score which I was quite pleased with, not pleased enough though so I took it a second time to get 150 out of 150.

I was complimented a few times on my appearance. I guess my choice of clothing for today was as pleasing to others as it was for myself. There is this one really lovely young lady, of 60 something years, while I was at the library and we had a really nice talk with each other. She very nicely asked me what name I like to be called, and whether I would like to be called he or she, to which I told her my name, and that I would like to be called she/her. And this lady kept to that the whole time. Also there was a nice gentleman who came in, seeking some help with his Android tablet, and he said “I’ll get some help from this young lady” referring to me as he said that. This man has never met me before, and immediately saw me for who I am, which gave me a very warm feeling. I managed to help him do what he wanted on the tablet, and look forward to seeing him again if he chooses to come in for more IT help.

I wish I was better at expressing my emotions. I’ve kept them mostly bottled in, because when I used to let them out, it would mostly be frustration, and misdirected rage that would come out. There is Joy, and Sorrow there too, and the whole spectrum of everything inbetween, but they are harder to coax out of me. I have noticed I am smiling a lot more recently though. Especially when I am out doing my volunteering. It makes me happy, and the atmosphere where I do that is very chilled, and relaxing, and the people are all so very nice and completely accepting of who I am. So maybe there is hope for me yet.

I would like to give a very big thank you to everyone who has been reading this blog so far, no matter when you started following me, the comments I have recieved from some of you has really helped me in my transition so far, and is another cause of me being joyful. I love you all.

Love, hugs and kisses,

-Autumn

Counting the days

12 days now until my initial psychiatric evaluation. I’ve noticed that my sleep is more disrupted these past few nights, I don’t know if this is due to the heat wave we’re currently having or the anxiety that is building up ahead of this appointment, my guess is a mix of both.

The outcomes I am hoping for from this appointment:

  • Getting the diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria officially on my medical record
  • Getting a referral to a GIC to see a specialist Gender Therapist as soon as possible
  • Hormones (or at the very least anti-androgens), even if only a low dose to start.
  • Referral to a speech therapist for help with training my voice to be more feminine
  • Referral to a hair removal clinic with the goal of permanently removing my facial hair

If I get all of these I would be very happy. But if all I get from the initial appointment is the diagnosis I will still be able to walk away hopeful, as that would be a step in the right direction. My biggest fear is that I won’t even get the diagnosis though, and without that I will not be able to get treatment on the National Health Service.

I am absolutely certain of myself. I know without any doubt that I am not Male. I’ve known it subconsciously for a long time, but now that I know it consciously I cannot put that genie back in the bottle. I’d never be able to forgive myself if I hid away from this. I’ll be taking my mum with me for moral support. If I had to go alone I don’t know how I would be able to cope, so I am grateful for her support. I am also grateful for all the support I have received from my friends, and people I work with on the volunteering front. Also I have had very few negative reactions to how I have been dressing lately, so those are quite easy to ignore thankfully.

I have been making some progress on my own with the speech practice. I know I still have a long way to go, but it’s very promising the progress I have already made. Of course I still want the professional help to focus my training more, and pick me up where I might be going wrong. It’s like learning an instrument, if mistakes become habits they will take a long time to iron out, so I hope not to fall into bad habits, and if I already have, I want them smoothed over as soon as possible.

With hair removal, I’m not having much luck at all. The self wax on my legs didn’t go so well. It didn’t go badly either it just didn’t get enough hairs off, it barely made an impact, so I’ll have to see it done by a professional in a salon, when I have some money for that. And I have been unable to shave my face properly for a few days because of something called folliculitis. Which is a benign infection in the hair follicles which causes increased sensitivity and little bumps to appear on the skin. Not harmful or contagious, but very annoying. My beard has started to grow back, and I have to resist the temptation to just shave it off anyway, and that is taking a lot of willpower. I have started plucking my beard hairs with tweezers though, not that it’s making any noticeable difference. I can only manage a small amount before I have to give up because of the pain factor. If only I could wax it all away, without fearing taking my skin with it, but that is not possible with the beard because of how close together the hairs are. Again, very annoying.

He called me ma’am

I have been working on feminising my voice since I began my transition but I haven’t had any appointments with a speech therapist yet. However for the first time, speaking to someone on the phone today at the end of the call he said

“Thank you ma’am”

I feel like I still have a long way to go, I am not convinced I sound feminine enough when outside and have caught myself on a great many times going into a deeper register than intended when speaking. It is hard work, but I will continue to work at it and practice a lot.

Seeing a speech therapist, preferably one who has experience working with trans women, is one of my target outcomes for the meeting with the psychiatrist coming up, 3 weeks more to wait for that. At the moment though I am happy that I was called ma’am this once. It has given me a little extra hope that the hours of practice I am doing are going to be worth it.

More adventures with hair removal

So a while ago I commented on how things went with shaving, for the first time, and have mentioned it a couple of times since then too. Shaving is getting easier with practice, but blades are really expensive (for good ones).

I recently tried a couple of depilatory creams, one for body use and another for my face. Neither of them worked particularly well, the body one was better though. Reason the face one didn’t work very well is probably due to the higher density of hairs on the face for those of us with Testosterone poisoning. But shaving worked better than both of these.

Another thing I tried is a product called shinylegs. That worked really well, but does not last any longer than shaving, it’s about equal to shaving I would say, but it left my skin feeling really raw afterwards, which persisted for a couple of days. I tried it once more once my skin calmed down again, but same thing happened again, so annoying.

I’m going to try self waxing next with some Veet wax strips bought off amazon. I’ll shave tonight, then let my hair grow for 3 days, exfoliate with a cream by Clinique also bought on Amazon, then wax the day after. and see how that goes. I’m hopeful this method will work for me, if I cannot get it done properly first time myself, and there are no bad reactions (like the raw skin I had from shinylegs) I’ll consider getting my legs waxed at a salon. But that will leave even less money in my pocket for other things, like food, and clothes.. hmm.. maybe I’ll just go everywhere in my birthday suit and go for that stick insect figure… then again, maybe not.