Heightened Dysphoria Day

There’s no beating around the bush with this one, all day I’ve felt like shit. This started at about 3a.m. where I hadn’t got any sleep yet since the previous night. I felt my legs and they were disgusting. My chin and upper lip had much too much facial hair too, and I spent the better part of an hour just shaving, first my face, then my legs.

I did feel better after my legs were nice and smooth again, and my face was clean-shaven again, but the lack of breasts also made me feel extremely unhappy with myself, I did manage to get a little sleep, I don’t know what time it was I got to sleep but when I woke again it was 9 am and I was feeling really awful again. I spent practically the entire morning in bed just watching T.V. shows on my laptop.

A friend came round in the early afternoon and let us know word is now gotten out about me. Someone who saw me dressed in one of my skirts was laughing and joking about it to everyone in the estate apparently. So It’s out, it’s public, and I am fearful for my safety. I have had problems in this neighbourhood before because some people thought I was Gay. I’ll try to ignore the idiots around here and hope I get a place of my own soon. I’m more concerned for my little brother though. I have tried to prepare him a little of what to expect and told him I want him to act calmly and indifferently even if someone uses words that I will not write here in this blog, but I said them once to him so that they won’t be as big a shock to him when he hears them from other people, and that he’ll know what they mean. I know this won’t be enough to stop the comments from causing hurt, but I hope they help.

I feel awful. I hate my body right now, hate this town, and almost everyone in it, not too fond of the entire country if I’m honest. But I’m stuck. No money, No Job, and still just waiting for things. Waiting for the psychiatrist appointment, waiting in the queue to be rehoused, waiting for hormones, dying to be who I was meant to be, and crying when I know no-one is around to see my breakdowns. FUCK!

History of Severe Depression and Anxiety

I was feeling really low this weekend. Even though I had a song of mine recorded on Friday and I felt pretty good about how it turned out, yesterday I felt the lowest that I have felt for several years. I should have tried getting help the first time I felt this way but until now I have always tried to fight through these low points and just get on with it, but I feel like I cannot manage without getting help anymore.

I booked in an appointment to see my GP. Told her my symptoms and for how long I’ve been experiencing these things on and off over the years. I rated severe on both the Depression and Anxiety scale and have been prescribed with medication called Sertaline. I have to take 1 capsule a day, for at least a month and see how things go. I didn’t want to resort to medication, but I will try these tablets and see if they help.

The earliest I can remember feeling this way I was still in school. I was unhappy at home and at school. My father was an alcoholic and a smoker, and because most of the money coming into our house was spent on his habits there was very little for anything else, like, food, and clothing, and soap. So I would be hungry for most of the time, in cheap clothes that were unwashed for most of the time. Which in turn led to a lot of bullying at school.

I tried taking my own life twice. Once I just laid myself down in a cold river hoping I would go to sleep and hypothermia would set in and I wouldn’t wake up again. Another occasion I wrapped my neck with wool, in ever tighter circles hoping to suffocate myself. The discomfort of these attempts stopped me from going through with them fully. Although the lying down in a river one was pretty stupid. Looking back I’m sure if I had stayed there someone would have seen me well before any permanent damage was done.

I went on to university for the first time though straight after finishing school with three A level qualifications. I studied for a year but I wasn’t happy in university. I was drinking a lot, and from that I quickly found myself in debt way over my head and malnourished. My father died during this time and it was a wake up call for me. His alcoholism killed him, and if something like that hadn’t happened it could easily have destroyed me too.

I’m not an Alcoholic. I was spared that curse, I can have one drink without feeling like I want 10 more. And I have been completely sober for a couple of months now and I don’t miss the alcohol. After my father died I moved back in with my mum, dropping out of university and started looking for employment.

The first long-term employment I managed to get was in tele-sales. A completely soul-destroying job. Some people say any job is better than no job. I disagree. I would have been better off mentally if I never worked in tele-sales. But I also would not have met my fist real girlfriend who has now become one of my best friends. I found myself unable to be happy though when I was with her. I felt like a failure because I wanted to make her happy but felt like I was failing.

A long period of unemployment came after that. I had very little marketable skills coming from my experience in tele-sales work. Every day seemed pointless, dull and I would often sleep for most of the day. Often not waking up until the afternoon and going to bed early too.

The depression subsided after I landed a really nice job in a Civil engineering office, doing Data entry and Administration mostly. The work I was doing wasn’t really exciting, but the work of the whole team was much more rewarding. Maintaining roads and bridges, and all the structures associated with those things, and even planning new layouts. It was really great. It wasn’t meant to last though. When the Icelandic banks crashed and we went into a recession in this country the office was forced to make cutbacks to their staff, and I was one of the first to go.

I managed to get 1 other temporary role in Administration, but that never progressed to a permanent position. I was unemployed for another year before it was suggested I should try going back to university.

I decided to follow that advice and spent three years in higher education. The first year went by quite smoothly. In the second year though I began experiencing problems again. And again I decided instead of getting help I would try to tough it out and just get through it. That didn’t work out very well for me though because I failed most of my exams and had to redo the year. The resit of the year didn’t go any better than before, and when it came round to the exams again a second time around I couldn’t even sit down to do them because the stress and anxiety hit me so hard. I ended up dropping out of University again in May this year, with only 1 year completed out of the 3 year course. I’m trying to look optimistically into the future but I cannot see a way out of this hole I find myself in right now.

I’m not going to attempt suicide again. I’ve thought about self harm, cutting, and burning, but what stops me is knowing what effect it will have on my family. I hope the medication I’ve been given will help. I’m hoping even more that I will get the help I need to deal with my Gender Dysphoria and that things will move forward when I meet with the psychiatrist in September. I need something to go right, because I am on the verge of giving up completely, just packing up a backpack with some clothes, filling my handbag with soap, toothpaste and cosmetics, slinging my guitar over my shoulder and just walking right out the front door never to return.

Goodbye 35 hours

I finished sorting out a claim for Universal Credit today. Universal credit is the UK’s benefit system which is replacing everything like disability payments, jobseekers allowance, housing benefit, child tax credit and others. I’m claiming Universal Credit because I am looking for full time work, and not in any work at all at the moment.

As of today after meeting the advisor I had to make an agreement to do 35 hours worth of job searching related activities per week. This isn’t just logging onto the internet and browsing the vacancies posted on the various websites, including the governments own Universal Jobmatch. The 35 hours includes the meetings I’ll be having with the advisor, set to be fortnightly, research time spent on travel routes to and from available vacancies, research time spent on the companies advertising the jobs, filling in application forms and so on. It’s doable, but 5 hours a day 7 days a week focussing on this is just going to pour a lot of fuel on depression and anxiety.

I have asked if I can help getting into doing some voluntary work, any amount of time I spend doing voluntary work will count towards this 35 hours strict target, so that will help, and there is a scheme that I might be able to get onto run by a local college that could get me an NVQ in Administration, and a foot in the door in the NHS service. Getting training to do some care work is also an option that I’ll be looking into. There are no places at the moment, but my advisor said she will keep checking for me and there could be something there for me soon.

I hope I can get back into work quickly. I’ve been long term unemployed before and the depression I suffered then was very severe. My experience is good. My skills are good. and my CV is good. I just need a little luck, get those interviews and try to impress at the interview stage. So here I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best

 

May – End of Month Summary

1 month nearly since I started writing this blog. It has been an interesting one. I came out to myself, my close family, and close friends. I’m still waiting for the psychiatric referral from my GP. I have registered with a housing association to try to get a single bed accommodation for myself. I’ve left university and signed up on the unemployment register. And my emotions have been through the blender more than once.

By far the biggest thing for me this month was the coming out. I was afraid of what people would say, how they would react, but I’ve been treated with nothing but love and compassion by everyone who I’ve told, and this has made me very happy. I’ll be coming out to more people soon. The last event of the Live music society in the university that I’ll be going to this Saturday. I’ll be performing the song I wrote ‘The girl inside’ and am expecting there to be questions asked, which I will answer truthfully.

I have read 4 books on the subject of Transgender, plus two novels by Terry Pratchett. The best book I read was ‘Transgender Complete: A Virtual handbook’ by Joanne Borden which I purchased from Amazon Kindle store for £5.47. It’s very informative, and well written, delving into the science and emotional aspects of being Transgender. And I expect I’ll keep coming back to it time and time again.

I’m looking forward to getting back into work. It might take me a while, but I am very well qualified for the roles I am seeking, the only drawback is I’m not good at selling myself. My resume is in the process of being professionally written, and I’ll be having a cover letter template included with that too. So that should help me get interviews. Then I’ll have to try my best to impress at the interview stages, show the employers that I can do the job, and do it well, and enthusiastically. I’ll request some interview training with the unemployment agency to help me with these things.

I’ve experimented with expressing myself. In private only. I have a couple of girly clothes now that I bought myself. Have worn a couple of them to bed. Came close once to wearing in public on a night out in the city, but I chickened out. I have had my eyebrows waxed and shaped though, given them an arch that lets my feminine side show through a bit. I have my next session lined up for Thursday. I’ll be asking to refine the shape a bit more, and make my brows slightly thinner again. I’ve also worn makeup in public, foundation, and concealer only, and brow volumizer so far. Until I get out of this village I do not think it is safe for me, or my family for me to do much more than this. My best friend said she couldn’t tell that I was wearing make-up when she saw me last, so that was good. It must mean I’m doing something right.

I don’t know what my next step is going to be. Hopefully I don’t have much longer to wait before seeing the psychiatrist. But even after then I know that on the NHS public health service I will be waiting months before seeing a Gender Therapist, providing the psychiatrist doesn’t decide I’m lying about the whole thing and diagnoses me with something else entirely. I am feeling apprehensive about that meeting, and the longer it takes for it to happen the worse my anxiety gets. But what keeps me going is the hope that it’ll all work out, that, and my music and playing video games help keep my mind occupied and distracted from these issues.

tough few days

These past couple of days have been tough for me. I’m feeling stress and anxiety, having difficulty sleeping, and concentrating on day-to-day things. I’ve officially left university now and now have to wait on several things. I’m still waiting for my doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist. I’ve made a claim for unemployment benefit and am waiting for an interview for that. I’m waiting for a call from a housing association too, in my effort to get a 1 bedroom accommodation for myself.

All this waiting is making me depressed all over again. And during this time I’m trying to write a good CV so that I can get back into employment as quickly as possible. In the end though I’ve opted to pay for a professional writer to do one for me. I’ve been a good salesperson in the past, but I don’t sell myself very well. That’s more waiting again, it could take up to 14 days for the CV to be written.

I’ve tried to immerse myself in my music, but I’m feeling a lack of motivation for that too. It’s hard, learning to sing in a higher key than I was previously used to. I’ll get there, but it’ll take time and a lot of practice, but to practice I need to be motivated, and to be motivated I need to be not depressed. I may need to schedule another appointment with my GP.

Take things one step at a time. That’s what I’m telling myself. Tomorrow I’m heading into the local jobcentre office to make sure they have my claim on file properly. I made the claim online, but it certainly wasn’t as straightforward as the government would like people to believe. If I go in tomorrow and they can confirm my claim is on the system and that it is being processed that will be one thing I can worry slightly less about.

On Thursday I will try to arrange some work experience in a teaching, or teaching assistant role. I have a number I can ring which should get me in touch with the right people. If I can get that, it’ll be another weight off my shoulders, because If I can get the experience (at least 10 days worth) I can start applying for on the job training positions to become a primary school teacher. I have all other qualifications I need. I don’t want to spend the rest of my working life doing just administration.

 

 

Padded bras and what lies ahead

So I went and bought myself a padded bra. And decided for the past couple of nights I would sleep while wearing it, and see how it feels. I’ve worn women’s clothing before but this is the first time for me wearing the bra.

It felt nice. Before the moment of sleep I found myself cuddling myself, playing with my fake breasts a little, and just enjoying the feeling of imagining myself with real breasts.

In other news I am still waiting to hear back from my GP. It’s been a little over 1 week so far, if I don’t hear something soon I will have to phone them to find out what progress they are making in finding me a psychiatrist to speak to. How hard can it be?

I’m leaving university too. The exams, the discovery of what I am, and that I haven’t been enjoying the course really this year all adds up to I’m going to fail anyway and it’s better to withdraw now, and get a certificate for level 1 which I passed, than get a fail for level 2. Then I need to submit an application to move onto Job Seekers Allowance.

I’m going to need a lot of help. I need to move out of my mother’s home, for a couple of reasons. First is transport links. They are very very bad here in the village which will make it almost impossible for me to find work. Second is for me to have a place that is more private where I can continue to explore and express myself with no fear or pressures on me. If I mess up how I look in the way I dress or apply makeup, I’ll be the only one to see it if I have my own place.

I know my way around an office. I’ve worked secretarial type jobs before so as long as I can secure that apartment I should be ok. I can still try to make extra cash with my music and even that will be a lot easier if I can get to other cities much easier than I am able to at the moment.